Hows American Know-How Can Save Greece

by Persius Juvenalis
File under: Fake Freedom21 Jun 2015 3:10 EDT

The following is a leaked proposal from an emergency meeting of economic advisors summoned by President Obama. Calling upon the collective wisdom of advisory all-stars Chris Christie, Donald Trump, and Harvey Weinstein to save Greece from insolvency, this document may be a true "Marshall Plan For The 21st Century". 

Greece: Da Problem 

We all know that Greece is a real nice place, real classy. First rate. They's got islands, restaurants, and those hotels where they give ya a lil mint on the pillow. Lotsa dat kinda culture. Real saphisicated. 

So what's da problem? 

Problem is real simple: these guys are a buncha looney toons! Argue about all kindsa philosophy and Playto and what have ya but can't figure out how to run a racket. Theys gots the goods down there, but they just needs the know-how when it comes to keepin the repo man a coupla steps behind. 

So we's turned off the CNBC, got's together, and says we'll be yous economic consultant. No charge, just the goodness of ours heart here. But ya gotta do what we says in these steps. If you do it all good, pretty soon them Germans gonna be askin you for cash! We promise ya.

Step 1: Edyacation

Edyacation is the key to success in the 21st century. Theys all say so, and its the truth. Ya don't get learned good at Harvard, ya probably gonna go hafta work at Target. 

We dont wants that for ya. Yous got lots better potential than scanning bar codes. We knows yous real smart and gots all kinds of ideas and accomplishments. So ya need a 21st century edycation system if ya ever wanna make the big bucks.

After we done some research, we found out you's systems seems real good and comprehensive, but ya gotta get with that times. Liberal arts is good n all, but if ya wanna get to the big leagues, ya gotta play hardball. Ya gotta get big and saphisicated: BIG TECH and BIG FINANCE. Online, for-profit Unis. That's whatcha need. Them's real advanced, and all ya grads will be taken real seriously on the world market!

And besides doin good for all them Greek kiddos in the schools, ya can expand ya digital market worldwide, take in a lot of cash, and pay off Angie Merkel. That there's a win, win if I ever heard one! 


Sokratees U. This here's how we can blend ya glorious past with all the progress we done out as Americans and create a 21st century Greek powerhouse. If ya don't like it, it's just a suggestion. Come up with somethin' on ya own.  Ya got all that name and prestige — figures out how to use it, ya bums!

Step 2: Marketing

When wes startin' askin' our friends what they thought about Greece, we founds that lots of them didn't know much about the place. They says ya, we love Greece, they gots gyras, togas, and Jimmy the Greek, right? We hads to inform them of ya glorious past and illustrious accomplishments and point ya out on a map and tell them about ya money troubles before we could start talkin' business. 

So what we gots here is really a marketing problem. Everyone would love to come to Greece and eat ya cheese and take home a lota yogurt, but how do ya expect to compete with Coney Island when ya don't even make commercials for CBS? 

Now marketing's a tricky thing nowadays. Ya gotta be hip, catchy, to the point. No messing around. Yous ever here of a meme? Gets on the tumblr and check them out. You needs to make some memes, gets people repeating them, then everyone will know all about Pericles and Odysseus and alls yous guys. Here's one to get ya started. 

See, you sees that, and now you wanna go to see the Acropolis and take a picture. Make a little duck face. #Acropolisnow, instagrams, boom, and you rake in on the racket.

Using a hastrag will def help ya advertise to a more wealthy, saphsicated American audience. Wes also real price conscious, so make sure ya advertise all ya deals. Here's another one, grats, cuz we just tryin' to help ya out.

Wes sure that once ya do the hard work of marketing yaself to the global consumer, put yaself on the world map, everyones gonna wanna come and eat ya gyras. 

Step 3: Movies

Wes done some readin', and yous might not be aware of it, but ya nation has produced lots of real good scripts. They's got lots of potential — in the right hands. If ya let them be touched up by the experts in the most saphisicated movie production industry known to mankind — Hollywood — ya sittin' right on a gold mine. 

First, yous gonna need some good lawyers. Ya gonna hafta copyright Homer, Aeschilus, Saphacles, and all those guys. They been rippin' ya off for years. Ya shoulda sued when that Brad Pitt played Akilles. People's gotta right to theys ancient heritage — even the UN says so! So everytime ya Google Alerts tells ya somebody uploaded a picture of a one-eyed man, sue 'em for taking ya Cyclops! 

Once ya got them works under ya thumb, ya can go ahead and sell 'em. Thems real popular here, and we'll give ya some cash to make a second edition

Or, ya can hire our people to teach ya what to do with 'em. Our best people already done a Hercules for the kids, and wes got a lotta ideas and the celebs to make 'em a sure hit. Just think: Justin Bieber plays Odyessus, gets trapped on an island by Calypso (Barbara Streisand), kills the Cyclops (Kevin James), and returns home to Penelope (Selena Gomez). Yous combine that mythology with some relevance, and ya got box office gold! 

Step 4: Novelty

Nows I knows the media says yous all a buncha freeloading Commies, but hear me out here: ya wanna have economic growth, ya gotta have that real independent, do it on his own guy. The antrapenuer. Yas can't just sit around by the Parthenon and ask for a handout. Yous know, restin on ya laurels, as they say in yous country. 

So stop lazyin' around feeling sorry for yourselves, get out there, find out what the trends are, and exploit them! While wes can't give details, the Greek-American antrapenuer behind this innavative i-Phone case has made a real good life for himself. He's got a real good thing goin'. 

So trys an keep an eye out on the teenagers, see whats they buyin', and that GDP will shoot straight up past Mount Olimpus. Build another trick horse if ya gotta! 

Step 5: Nudie Beaches 

Once yous got the fundamentals of yous economy in order, justa little extra push will get ya over the top. This here's the same ole playbook. Yous already got the nudie beaches — market 'em, market 'em, market 'em. Then, after ya raise the admission rate, set aside every time every day for a paid peep-show! Call it "Aphrodite Hour". Find the lookers, the tens, the real knock-outs and tell 'em you'll make 'em famous if they just help ya out, lie around on the beach for a while. Then call in all them dirty peeping Toms, stand 'em on a platform with binoculars, and charge ' em a Euro a minute!

With yous beauty and nobility and ours know-how and street smarts, wes surely headin for another Periclean age heres in Athens!

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