Top Five Hideous Federal Officers

by Persius Juvenalis
File under: Fake Freedom28 Oct 2013 2:30 EDT

With Halloween around the corner, we at Fakenation would like to give our loyal readers a good scare, and perhaps offer some costume suggestions as well, by presenting five of the most hideous specimens of that most repulsive species: the federal bureaucrat. Sure, these vampires can suck the taxpayer's blood dry now, but could they survive a single election cycle if they had to subject their names (and faces) to public election... (viewer discretion advised) ...

5. General Keith Alexander: Director of the National Security Agency, Chief of the Central Security Service, and Commander of the United States Cyber Command.

You might glance at General Alexander and say to yourself, "Wow, I bet that's the kind of guy that spends a lot of time dreaming up all kinds of grandiose notions of world domination, just like The Brain in Pinky and The Brain." But then you might second guess yourself, since reality can't be that much like a child's cartoon, can it? Trust us, it's best follow your gut feeling on this one

4. Robert Hale: Under Secretary of Defense (Comptroller) and Chief Financial Officer 

We've all heard the old urban legend of the $600 military hammer. But almost nobody has heard of Mr. Robert Hale, a lifelong DoD finance apparatchik​ who has spent a long, distinguished career working in an industry that's had $70 billion dollars disappear into thin air in the last several years. 

But Mr. Hale's dour, Frankenstein-like appearance may yet prove to be an asset for the military-industrial complex. It seem's he's had success in terrifying the American public at the prospect of future cuts to the military budget, lest he be left out of work — and out roaming the streets in daytime hours. 

3. Gina McCarthy: EPA Administrator

A self-proclaimed 'child of the 60s' is finally given the power remake society in her own image. And what a society it will be...

2. Arne Duncan: Secretary of Education

Look into the eyes long enough, and you'll just feel that something's wrong. Dreadfully wrong. Yes, it is true: the architect of Chicago's public education program has actually been promoted after leaving such an incredible mess in his wake back at the Windy City.

But then, it is hard to tell who is more frightening: him or his old frenemy Karen Lewis of the Chicago Teachers Union...

And the most hideous of all the creatures deep in the bowels of the federal bureaucracy is...

1. Mary Jo White: Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission

Yes: Chairman Mary Jo, as USA Todayreports it. This veteran Wall Street defense attorney has been brought on board to... you guessed it... prosecute Wall Street! Ms. White is really the kind of imposing character that will terrify the old fraternity of corrupt financiers.

Perhaps she was actually selected to play Mini-Me to General Alexander's Dr. Evil. Bonus FN pity points to anyone who can successfully get their girlfriend to pull off this look for Halloween. 

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Please comment below with any examples of hideous federal officers we may have missed. Thanks for reading, and Happy Halloween!

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Anonymous says:29 Oct 2013 17:55 EDT
NSA head perv Clapper...the creepy uncle you'd NEVER leave your kids with...Fed Reserve next in line Yellen, perfectly round bobble head, approx. 3-ft tall and makes your typical garden knome look like a calvin klein model.
Anonymous says:28 Oct 2013 14:37 EDT
Gina and Hillary would make quite a pair.
Anonymous says:28 Oct 2013 13:53 EDT
Mary Jo White doing her "Grumpy Cat" impersonation!
Anonymous says:28 Oct 2013 12:34 EDT
Arne Duncan-
Never attended a public school as a student
First job in education was working for a charter school investment firm
Now the leader of America's public school system

Anonymous says:28 Oct 2013 11:48 EDT
Mary Jo White is a real trailblazer. She's the first leprechaun to head the SEC.
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