The Remake Film Swindle

by Rob Schneider
File under: Fake Culture22 Mar 2013 8:27 EDT

Hollywood no longer produces films — it produces "films".

You may not have realized this, because most people on the receiving end of a swindle don't see the reality of the situation until it is too late.

But the fact is that you are being cheated.  Or you are allowing yourself to be cheated.  And remake films are Hollywood's biggest scam.

Remakes are second-rate products, for which you pay full price.  They are 'films of films' and not films proper.  They are not based on an original screenplay, but on a transcription of an original screenplay with a bit of 'contemporary spice' thrown in.  They are the equivalent of a Salvation Army shirt that has been freshly washed and pressed, then put up for sale at Gucci prices.  Some might call it 'legal bootlegging'.

But nevertheless, the producers want you to believe that "it's all the same".  And they have largely succeeded.

There is a popular myth today that remake films have the possibility of being 'better than the original', and this justifies paying to see them.

But an imitation product, a derivative product, a counterfeit product, can never be better than an original.  Fake butter will never 'be better' than real butter.  A fake Rembrandt will never 'be better' than a real Rembrandt, and so on.

This is true because these products are, by definition, fundamentally different.  One is derived from the other.  One depends on the other for its existence.  One is second-rate and one is first-rate.  There is no way around this.

Total Recall (1990) Total Recall (2012)

True Grit (1969) True Grit (2010)

Clash of the Titans (1981) Clash of the Titans (2010)

Unless, of course, you convince yourself that originality isn't actually a value, and that imitation products and original products are interchangeable.  

But this would also mean that the difference between fake friends and real friends isn't important, that the difference between fiction and reality isn't important, and that the difference between a life in psychotherapy and a life of psychological health isn't important. 

You might also say:  Who cares if people want to watch remakes?  Let them, it's a free country after all. 

Sure, let them.  But know this: the more people watch remakes, the more remakes will be made.  If you value originality, this is certainly not in your best interest.

Stand up for yourself.  Have some self-esteem.  Don't allow yourself to be victimized no matter how 'cool' it may seem.

And if your standards are so low that you actually look forward to remakes, we at Fakenation feel sorry for you.  Our collective heart hurts for you.  As a kind of charity, please accept this $.99 shirt:

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