Speaking English is Bad for Your Health

by Noel Ericson
File under: Fake Culture26 Feb 2013 10:23 EST

Life expectancy in the US continues to decline.  What risky lifestyle choices could be responsible?

Well, about 26% of American males smoke cigarettes, which isn't a high number on the global charts.  About 44% of all Japanese males smoke.   Yet the chances of developing lung cancer are 10 times higher in the US than in Japan.

Does the difference come down to air pollution?  Are there simply more carcinogenic particulates in US air?  No.  In fact, there is slightly more air pollution in Japan.

What about fat consumption?  As we've been reminded often, Americans love their fatty foods.  Well, continental Europe, particularly France, consumes far more saturated fat than we do, and yet they have a much lower rate of heart disease than the US.  France also has about 1/3 the obesity rate of the US, and a longer lifespan.

Yes but, yes but -- what about all the dangerous alcohol consumption in the US?  A comparison with Italy is instructive here.  Italy, a country which consumes a vast amount of alcohol, also has the #5 life expectancy in the world (81.37 years),significantly above the US (77.91 years).

Italy also has the same percentage of marijuana and cocaine use as the US (despite never engaging in a War on Drugs).

The obvious conclusion to draw from all of this is: the English language itself is bad for your health.  You may have been exposed to a dangerous cocktail of carcinogens just by reading this article. 

If we were to take this conclusion seriously, we might better understand the insanely high level of violent crime in the US.  Violence, you remember, results from a breakdown in communication, a breakdown in language.

This conclusion might also be supported by the fact that Americans are among the least multi-lingual people in the world.  Trapped, as it were, in the English langauge.

The most interesting apect here is that US scientists, when confronted with this research, have labeled it "paradoxical" (e.g. the French Paradox and the Japanese Paradox),as if the problem rested in the data, and not in their own ability to intrepret it.

So what should one do to remain healthy?

We recommend sending a letter to the Surgeon General and/or to the State of California, urging that warning labels be placed on books by Shakespeare, Glenn Beck, and Toni Morrison.  Afterward, be sure to sign up for classes at the Instituto Cervantes, Alliances Francaises, or the Goethe-Institut.  You can never be too careful when it comes to you health, and pre-emptive strikes are always the best strategy for the long-term.

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