How To Flirt Virgin American Style

by Vincent Board
File under: Fake Tech24 Apr 2013 16:18 EDT

Americans, if pressed to explain their inexplicable pride in this country, usually end up making reference to our creative capitalist industriousness that has given the world so many inventions. This is a fair enough point, if taken retrospectively. We were once the country of Thomas Edison and Henry Ford, after all. Getting things done was indeed the American way, "Can we do it?" something of a national motto. 

But we've reached a point now where the ambitious spirit of "Can we do it?" is laughably misplaced. There is another far more important question that almost never even temporarily troubles American minds: "Should we do it?" With practical engineering so obsessively valued and wisdom so scorned, you sound silly for even asking it. 

You may say that this mentality of engineering things without much wider regard belongs mainly to a certain class of adolescent males. After all, at that age you just want to get laid, and there's a certain reveling in raw potency without wider discretion. As such, teenage boys are known to deface websites, join gangs, and obsess over video games in all their untutored adolescent zeal to prove their manhood in any way possible.

But it gets better when they're older, right...

Well no, certainly not in Fakenation, where men are expected to become little more than more sedate versions of their teenage selves. The high school athlete settles down at a comfortable coaching position, the school bully runs for political office, and, well, gamers keep playing games. 

Which brings us to Sir Richard Branson, the scruffy British tycoon who counts the phrase "Screw It, Let's Do It" among his favorite nuggets of wisdom. Take a look at his latest 'innovation', to be launched to adoring lesser American playboys who fly Virgin:

The top commenters at the Daily Mail are quite horrified at this development:

So let's recap. Sir Richard Branson is a billionaire who could finance any number of innovations in flight, but he chooses to spend his time developing a useless technology designed for boys going through puberty. It's always been possible to buy somebody a drink on a plane, but you would have to talk to them first. What a strange idea.

The only value added here is for lonely old men with money that want to send out spam gifts to every cute woman on the plane. It's almost as if Branson has created this for his own needs. Never mind if it's a good idea, he can do it, he has the money and resources, so bravo to him. Similarly, never mind if you've actually talked or interacted with the girl an aisle over with the nice legs in the miniskirt. Just send her a drink, because you can. 

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