How Old White Men Spent Their Summer Vacations
|by Rob Schneider|
File under: Baby Boomers12 Sep 2013 12:16 EDT
Autumn is here, and so we look back on another beautiful summer in Fakenation.
But autumn is a beautiful season, too: a time for meditating on the year's progress, for settling old accounts, and for reaping the harvest before miserly Old Man Winter evicts sunny weather from its heavenly lodging once again.
It is in this spirit of seasonal reflection that I'd like to ask: How did you spend your summer vacation?
One proviso: if you're a young person, don't answer. I'm tired of hearing the same old responses: "nothing" or "unpaid internship" or "youtube" or "binge drinking" or "waiting for my girlfriend to become interested in sex". You people bore me to death.
Let's ask some old people — specifically, some Old White Men, the more progressive the better. After all, they can actually afford to take vacations, what with all that student loan interest now flowing back into the establishment coffers.
We can start with an OWM we assumed was dead: former Chicago mayor and general Democratic powerbroker Richard M. Daley.
So, Mr. Daley, how did you spend your summer vacation?
Well Rob, I have to say that I met a very special person. Yes, it can even happen at my age — I have I new girlfriend...
The photo doesn't lie: 71-year old widower Mr. Daley has a new girlfriend, the Huffington Post reports. This girlfriend is 30 years younger than he is — and she's black.
"So what?" you might say. "Who cares about the vast age and cultural differences? It could be true love."
Yes. It could be. This attractive black female born in the year 1972 could actually be in love with a pale, craggy, bloated, balding white man born in 1942 (Fred Flintstone). Mr. Daley might also be in love with this woman, even though she is nearly the same age as his son. One thing is for certain, though: this is NOT a Boomerish made-for-the-media fake relationship. And Mr. Daley is NOT racist.
Now let's pose our original question to another Old White Man: George Lucas, film cobbler and endless exploiter of his tiresome Star Wars franchise.
Excuse me, Mr. Lucas, I know you're a busy man, but did you take any kind of vacation this summer? If so, how did you spend it?
Thanks for asking, Rob. As a matter of fact, I got married over the summer, for the second time. Here are a couple photos of the lucky lady and me...
Obviously, this grotesque spectacle is another case of Boomer-style true love. And it's worth mentioning that Lucas and Daley are friends; in fact, the photo of Daley and his girlfriend (above) was taken at Lucas's recent wedding. The two men hardly know each other, and don't seem to have anything in common, but they form a Boomer-style bond on the basis of their love for fake media gestures, apparently.
By the way: George is NOT racist. Absolutely NOT RACIST! We should emphasize this, because a few years ago George went out of his way to produce a film with an all-black cast ("Red Tails"),which he described as "one of the first all-black action pictures ever made" (a giant insult to decades of all-black filmmaking on the African continent). He proved himself to be a big Star Wars-style hero, though, by getting the film into theaters despite the fact that "racist" Hollywood moguls didn't want to touch it.
OK. Let's look at the summer activities of one last OWM: Bill de Blasio.
As most of you must already know, Bill has spent the past few months running for mayor of NYC.
Although Bill is an OWM with a black wife, their relationship, somewhat surprisingly, doesn't seem to be fake.
Given the fact that Bill's wife is nearly 10 years older than him — she was born in 1953 and he was born in 1961 — and the fact that he isn't a widower or a divorcee looking for a typical Boomerish second childhood, this seems to be a genuine relationship. In fact, love is probably the only thing that could keep this relationship together.
Ironically, Bill is the only one of the three OWM discussed here that was publicly accused of being racist, by Mayor Michael McCheese Bloomberg, of all people. Sure, Bill did pimp his wife and son to gain 'black demographic cred' during the primary, but his relationship was clearly not established for that purpose alone. At any rate, he's not going to be a good mayor.
So it's certainly been another beautiful summer in Fakenation, and I hope you had as much fun as these guys did. Here's looking forward to a White Christmas!
SEND TO A FRIEND
Friend's email: Your email: