First Black Pope?

by Noel Ericson
File under: Fake Culture16 Feb 2013 2:16 EST

Who will be the first Black Pope?

No, I am not trying to cast a 1970s-style blaxploitation film like Black Gestapo.

I am very serious here.  For most Americans, this is not a question of if anymore, but when.

When indeed.

Nevermind the fact that there have already been three African popes.

Yes, it is true: these men were able to gain the top spot in a 'European instutition' without any American 'diversity training' or 'affirmative action'.

Let me introduce you to them, in case you aren't familiar:

Pope Victor I (186 - 198)
Pope Miltiades (311 - 314)
Pope Gelasius (492 - 496)

There are no reliable portraits of these individuals.  An article in the Telegraph notes that they may or may not have been what we now call 'black'.  The evidence is unclear.

But we should ask: why didn't the people during those times clearly record the racial ancestry of their popes?

Because it didn't matter to them.  It only matters to us, unfathomably shallow 'global citizens' that we are.

Part of the reason for the historical amnesia that currently grips the US might be the fact that certain periods of history can't be told with pictures.  So we at Fakenation have decided to help make this historical moment a bit more vivid.  We have unearthed the only 100% authentic renderings of what these popes actually looked like:


Pope Victor I


Pope Miltiades


Pope Gelasius

And by the way, if you want more American-style racial-historical confusion, I suggest you watch this video about a black student who won the right to hang a Confederate flag in his college dorm window:

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